DEATH SPASM or THE LAST SITUATIONIST BARMAN

I am America’s last Situationist cocktail waiter.

I just threw up in my mouth.

I am absolutely covered in suet.

When I close my eyes I see a tree

with tiny facsimiles of serial killers for fruit.

I name cocktails after Counting Crows songs,

Social anxiety disorders and

Molested fragments of Allen Ginsberg:

“America, go fold yourself into your own penis!”

I am not even American, really.

Rather than listening to your problems

I give you new, more complicated ones.

I still make jokes about former administrations.

My intellectual capacity for satire is, at best,

Woefully limited. For other drinks

Please consult our Specials menu:

Bombs Away

A crow, suspended from the light-fittings and agitated with a mating-whistle is swung repeatedly around your head, landing on a chest-mounted plinth when it can and eating from the tiny tray of seeds strapped under your chin. Look into the crow’s eyes as it eats. Does it know you? Have you seen this crow before somewhere? It opens its beak, perhaps about to offer a consoling caw. Is its fate not similar to yours? Before it can speak, the coffee barista pulls the cord and jerks the crow into the air again. Hey look! A magazine! Isn’t that Emily Harvey by the cheese-plant dressed as a peanut vendor? Feh! She totally blanked you last time you met. Presently a King appears and assaults you with a wine bottle. Filmed and screened at your wedding for an extra fiver. (£11.45)

A Legal Professional Would Like a Word with You

Salt. Just lots and lots of red, unrefined, unexpurgated salt for as long as you can take it. We steal it from deer! We mine it from the hills! We hate you that much! (£4.47)

The Dutchman Shout

NEW! Overly personal questions blended with an unrivalled eye for detail make this one of our most popular cocktails. You’ll fly to Antigua and set fire to the Colonial library! You’ll play football with Aston Villa! You’re going to grow tusks, baby! Torture dissidents and bottle your own saliva. Ever wagged your tail? (£400.56 [until offer ends]).

America, the first draft of my CV was returned

With “¡MORE HUBRIS!” in gold-embossed

Five-inch tall letters. My greatest hits include

The People’s Choice, The Wrong Turn, The Weak Ending.

- Luke Kennard