(to the tune of the Toreador Song by Bizet)
I am the last of the barman poets
and very fond of playing furry quoits,
I shake my shaker
while trying to make her
insensible so I can have my wicked way.
A splash of bourbon or a dash of gin
with chloral hydrate makes a Mickey Finn -
Ha ha, how devious
she remains oblivious
thinking she is safe because she's sure I'm gay
or just a harmless little circus dwarf,
a sort of cocktail making smurf
but I'm a man with man-sized appetites
look in my trunks and you'll get such a fright
it even frightens me
I am Tom Cruise and not a little troll
I have a tool like a flag pole
I can even wrap it round my neck
in winter if I feel the cold.
but I'm very glum you see
the girls don't fancy me
because I look like Shrek.
- Tim Turnbull