I am the world's last barman sonneteer.
I see Croydon glugging piss-weak Carling
and Geordie hen night hijinx unfurling
in a blur of fake tan and lippy smears,
in search of a band of virile steers
who get the girls giggly whilst conferring
if men are still macho if they're preferring
WKDs to drinking real beers.
Sometimes they keep mixing after I'm done
The GHB Gin, the Rohypnol rum...
Romford, you're hooked on each tipple I got,
there's no time for old man pub moping,
cos happy hours means it's one pound for a shot,
let the binge drink begin! Bar Open!
- Niall O'Sullivan