PRESS RELEASE

PRESS RELEASE: ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER SCRIPT SO SHIT THEY TRY TO REBURY IT

Today, August 14th 2473*, a paper relic was found at the site of what used to be Hollywood. Underneath a fine earth-layer of pornography and sperm, my team and I discovered a fragment of a script. In the past, scripts were written on paper.** This script section for a Touchstone movie 'Cocktail' hasn't aged a day, largely due to all its corrosive attributes being redirected to the minds of people whoviewed the movie. Former President Tom Cruise is rumoured to have starred in it, giving an Oscar-winning turn (or so his diaries claim) as "the last barman poet". According to our expert, the term "barman" was slang for 'upbeat dwarf'. 

This script can tell us a lot about 1980's America. Quite what a "cocktail" is has been opened to debate. Some historians believe that the word is a substitute for "movies", as "Dingaling", "Attack of the massive (?) cunts" and "The Pink Squirrel" were known to be hits for Cruise in his mid '60s.

"Loaded" then could mean an appreciation of Cruises movies. Hence: "But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot?" (If you want to watch a Tom Cruise movie/you should shoot yourself). Quite how the final line "Bar is open" should be read may forever remain a mystery. One theory is that he means there's a queue to shoot yourself for watching Cruise movies.*** 

A few hours after its discovery, our resident art historian attempted to digitally recreate what the scene may have looked like but was tragically had a heart attack whilst working on a section of crowd hairstyles.**** What we can gather from the recreation, however, is that shit and shoes were definitely flung down from the 3rd tier balcony,narrowly avoiding the diminutive actor/dictator. 

Prof. Dan Tastic PGCE BE P.E. BYOB, head of archaeology at whatever university will take me, really. There is so little knowledge left.

*approximated date. All clocks stopped during the great explosioning. 

** or so Lionel Ritchie told us after he was defrosted and before he was killed again.

***as did tragically happen at the premier of MI7 in Denver, April 2nd 2016.

****God, Cruise did that. What a total wanker. 

-Ju shardlow