I Am The World's Greatest Actor

I am the world's greatest actor.

I will punch a hole in space
And you'll believe me
My spaceship is powered by wet knickers and weird mail
Believe me
I have gotten quadrillion score and ten men laid on first dates

I shamed the emperor with honourable action
You want me to kill jap-o's? I'll kill jap-o's. 
I'd just as soon
Kill you first.
I've beaten away the off-world mongrel hordes
I wore a tailored suit and cried in the rain

If you tried to fight me, I'd win because 
I can do a fight scene 
With over thirty-five points of contact
You mock me but I have slept with women who smell of things 
You can only begin to imagine 
With your febrile minds
And your little lives.

I settled in the end for one with a GREAT personality
That makes me happy.

    Ha!

I am the world's most beautiful woman
Ha! Not really! Had you going there.
But you thought I was!
Because

I am the world's greatest actor.
I live in a castle where I worship aliens
I see Americans failing to purchase tickets for the fabulous films I make
But my celestial companions adore me
And they tell me secret things
They whisper in the dark

'Ignore them, Zarboz
They are not your friends
Come with us to the Sun
We are your family, Zarboz'

      And I am gone.

- John Smith