The World's Last Plantagenet Poet

I'm the World's Last Plantagenet Poet,

Descended from a line of kings,

A bard out of my time,

Of great and kingly deeds I sing -

The achievements of my line:

Of Thomas the Martyr,

And Blondel's lament,

The signed Magna Carta,

And the first Parliament.

The hammered fighting vainly,

The pokers inserted anally,

The war that lasts a hundred years

Leading to abdication tears,

A kingship claimed by force majeure,

And fucking the French at Agincourt.

Of Wars of Roses, Wars of Cousins,

Of brothers betraying by the dozen,

From avuncular crime, carefully concealed,

To a King's final charge on Bosworth Field.

Of deeds of chivalry I sing -

I make my verse my lance,

And if we had a Plantagenet king,

We'd at least be at war with France.

-Andy Bennett